George Gray

I have studied many times
The marble which was chiseled for me —
A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.
In truth it pictures not my destination
But my life.
For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment;
Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;
Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.
Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.
And now I know that we must lift the sail
And catch the winds of destiny
Wherever they drive the boat.
To put meaning in one’s life may end in madness,
But life without meaning is the torture
Of restlessness and vague desire —
It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.

~ Edgar Lee Masters

HOPE

” HOPE begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.  You wait and watch and work: You don’t give up”.

just tired

This whole thing is just exhausting.

I’ve started to type a blog about 77x but just couldn’t muster the energy. Between everything else I had (have)
going on, I just didn’t have another ounce.

I didn’t want to be negative
I didn’t want to be positive
I didn’t want to be inspirational
I didn’t want to be happy
I didn’t want to be sad

Work, Relationships, Money, Vehicles, Food, Weight, Exercise, On and On …..

I am however, still fighting. I stand steadfast in the belief that I have to move forward NO MATTER what. I don’t care if I lose 1 ounce per week, it’s still going forward.

I joined Weight Watchers but I’m not really enjoying it, it just seems like another job to me. I’m really trying to stick it out but I just find it tedious. I have lost a little weight and am thankful but blah blah blah.

Maybe I’m just in a funk or something.

Ya think!?

Next week I may be riding high on this roller coaster of life but today I want off of this ride, take my stuffed animals, my cotton candy and go home to take a nap.

I’m still here!

Yes, I have 101 excuses ….

Blizzard like weather

Bad back

Hurt knee

Trying to spend time with family

You know the drill….

In the past I would be down on myself for slipping up, or not being on target with my well thought out plan, or I would be “starting over” because I feel off the wagon but THAT WAS THEN.  Today I am just as resolved as I was a few months ago.  I have just been crawling lately, rather than running but I’m still moving forward.

I weighed this morning and to my amazement I’ve met my 1st goal ….. 15 lbs Gone!   That’s right people.  You are witnessing history.  15 pounds that you, nor I will EVER see again.  

Now on to goal # 2 …. 15 more lbs.

…keep moving forward.

The quote Jana posted really struck home for me; this inspiration came to me last week and this quote describes it perfectly

“If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

Driving in my car last week, this thought just came over me.  It only takes “ONE” more step to move forward.  Surely I can find the strength for just one more step.   

Then a couple of days later my new physical therapist told me a story.  One of his patients was severely over weight and she was telling him she can barely make it to the mailbox.  He told her not to be discouraged that ANY progress is still progress.  He suggested to her that every day she add a couple of steps.  Go just one more square on the sidewalk, then go to the neighbors mailbox, and then to the end of the street.  Even if it takes you a year….it’s still progress.  He said he lost touch with her and a couple of years later they crossed paths.  He didn’t even recognize her, she had lost well over 100 lbs.  She cried when she saw him and said that she did just what he said.  Mailbox, one more square, neighbors mailbox, end of the street, and before she knew it around the block.

So you can see how MLK, Jr’s quote resonated with me.  It’s going to be my mantra through this process.

It even works with over eating.  Just have 2 less chips than you had yesterday, 1 less soda, 1 less french fry.  It’s OK if you can’t give it ALL up.  Just one less is still progress and something you should feel good about.

Little by little, day by day, moment by moment ….. Your changing.

I know, I know …..

I should have written something by now.  I got scolded by Jana, promised and STILL didn’t post anything.   Sorry Jana!

For the first time ever, I think I just didn’t have any thing to say.  What can I write that hasn’t already been said?  All my old journals, notes and self-motivating quotes I had written down in the last 3 years have pretty much said it all.   You wouldn’t believe the documentation I’ve found going through some of my old things.  It’s made me angry, sad, disappointed and embarrassed.  Why didn’t I just stick with it then?  WHY!?  The sheer bitterness just pretty much made me clam up. 

That was then and this is now…..

I can’t be that person anymore.   So, I’m forcing myself to write.  I HAVE to break free of these mental chains. 

I’m not going to say, “won’t” because I have to.

I’m not going to say, “can’t” because there is not such thing.

I’m will not say, “in a little while” because there is no time like the present. 

I will not say, “I need to” because I am going to.

I will not say, “I am going to change” because I HAVE changed. 

I may laugh, curse, cry, spit and moan but as God as my witness I will claw my way out of this hell hole I’ve dug for myself.   (ok, that was a bit dramatic even for me)  Seriously though, that’s what I feel like.  I feel like I’m fighting the devil himself with nothing but a spork.

So as you can see the last 3 weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions.   I’m very lucky to have wonderful friends who think I’m a nut job anyway, so none of this crap scares them off.

OH! (sidetracked) After two 1/2 weeks of doing so good; my boyfriend brings me back a present from his recent business trip.  This has NEVER happened before so as you can imagine I was a little surprised and excited.   Not in a million years will you guess what this boy handed me. 

A pound of Rocky Road Fudge.  

REALLY!?  Not a “I heart Kansas” key chain or snow globe that has little farmers in it? 

Rocky Road Fudge!!!

I was so shocked, I didn’t even have words.  I just said, “Thank-you for the thought” and went in my closet and cried for about 10 min.  THEN to top it all off, he had the nerve to yell out (while I’m in the closet) “Are you going to even try it?”   I could have beat him to death with that block of fudge, right then and there.    I can just see the headlines now, “Fat girl Fudges up her boyfriend”.  They probably would think I was trying to take it from him, rather than turn it down.   Sooooo, just a word of advice if your thinking of purchasing a gift for a loved one.   Think about what they are trying to accomplish in their life and DON’T do the complete opposite.  Socks, Socks are always good.

So as I embark on week 4, I feel pretty good.  3 weeks have already gone by so quickly.  Even if they weren’t perfect, they are under by belt.   Check, Check & Check.   The next several months will do the same.  Soon I will be on the other side of this and once and for all I will be able look back on what I wrote and say, “I finally did it.”

Good-bye Letter

Dear Friend,

This is my good-bye letter to you.

You have been what I thought was a good friend for a long time.

You have been there for me when no one else was.

You have comforted me when no one else was around.

You have never judged me, when the whole world was against me.

Yet like my past loves, it was an illusion.

You have not been a good friend to me.

You only made me think you were on my side, when all along you were sabotaging me.

You made me think you were comforting me, when all along you were making me feel uncomfortable.

Yes, you were not judging me but you were seeing to it that the world judged me instead.

My eyes have been opened. I will not be fooled any longer.

You are not my friend. You have not been good to me.

Therefore, Food. You are not welcome in my life any longer.

Good-bye!

Journal entry 12/28/2010

Small win today!  I passed on ordering pizza and I passed on LuLu getting me Whataburger.  So I took my vitamin chew, drank some organic lemon-aid and water.  Gooo Me!

Of course the Junk Food God’s are angered.  They send a pizza delivery woman.  I wanted to tackle her like a line backer but I didn’t.  I just snapped at her instead.  The next few days are going to be kind of rough (for everyone).

I want to keep writing so I won’t think about food.  I’m hungry but I know I’m not really hungry, it’s purely psychological.  It’s all a figment of my imagination.  So is that giant turkey sitting at the desk next to me.  Oh crap, it’s just Andy.  I feel like the Wiley Coyote.  Yeah, I’ve lost it.

I’ve said, “I have no will power.”

I’ve said, “I have no self-discipline.”

Why do I say that?  I know I can do any thing I set my mind to.  I really believe that.

I’ve used those phrases as excuses.  Crutches to assist in my demise.  Band-aids to cover the open wounds I refused to acknowledge.

At the time, it seems so much easier to mask than to heal.  The whole while the wound is growing and destroying me.   Secretly, I know exactly what my issues are but I thought if I could suppress them long enough, they would go away (I knew better).

I can’t hide any longer.  The wound is too big; visible to the whole world.

Things WILL BE dealt with.

I DO have will power.

I DO have self-discipline.

Out of sheer spite alone, I will prove that I CAN NOT be broken.

I believe that, too!

Journal entry 12/27/2010

(The day after our first walk/run)

Holy Cow, I thought I would die.  I have GOT to quit 2nd hand smoking! 

I definitely need to learn to walk before I run.  I am proud of us though.  We walked for 30 min and ran 3 x.  That’s more than I thought we could do.

Today I am encouraged!  Now to get my eating under control.  That’s nothing, right!?

Journal entry 12/26/2010

O.M.G.

O.M.G.

The numbers are so much worse than I thought.  How could I not have seen this?  I’ve been avoiding measuring and the scale for a few months now (for obvious reasons) but this shit ain’t right!  Worst of all, I wrote them down by the numbers I had recorded last year.  WTH have I been doing this last year?  Don’t answer that…..

O.M.G.

O.M.G.

Kill me now and just make a nice summer sausage.  I’m obviously, plump and ready to go.  Thank God I’m an indoors person, it’s hunting season.  I could be shot!